Yesterday, I had a therapy session on Skype with a patient living abroad, and as I told her Hello through the computer screen, I could see these very special tears, which are due to self destruction. Perhaps because of my job, no matter, I can feel when it hurts just because of life’s things -death, loss, disease, …- and when it hurts with one’s submission. Perhaps more redness, more acidity and no possible relief when tears Are partly due to self inflicted pain. This beautiful, clever, I shall say, brilliant young woman is in love and unhappy. So incredible and so frequent. She has masochist features in her personality and wounds in her childhood which lead her to establish relationships with unrespectful and immature guys. She doesn’t know yet that she deserves the best. I have been working hard on it but it takes a long time before a bad loved child can build his life on respect, self respect and make others respect him/her. Because suffering is better than nothing and make her feel congruent with what she has been fed with -and up- before. Because brain and heart hate emptiness. And because when there is nothing, when there is space, peace and loneliness, one can be afraid to fall instead of feeling the possibility to fly, to breathe, to grow, and to choose. And if I tell You today about this patient it is because one more time I am so sorry to see how frequently we confuse respect and adandonment, independance and indifference, love and dependance.
And she said, trying to dry her tears : « He says he loves me, he says we can’t be separated, and I agree, there is so much love between us » and oh my God I see her suffering so much.
And so, because she needed to see how much her suffering meant to me, I said, horrified : « But what are You talking about ? Are You talking about love? Is being jealous an evidence of love ? He loves you trying to possess you, keep you close without being aware of who you are and even though trying to make you forget who you are and what you want ? My Godness this guy has given you so many evidence of him being what you called yourself a big fucking asshole, please, don’t tell me it’s about love. This is not about love, at all. It’s about his narcissism, because you’re beautiful and clever, it’s about your insecurity and the terrified little girl who believed she would be loved if she submitted. I Will love You when You do not exist except as a perfect object, that s what your education gave You. It’s jealousy because he is upset if no guy looks at his girlfriend and he is in danger when one does. And you accept such a deal, such racketereering, « Give me jealousy I will consider it as interest, give me violence I will consider it as attention. Am I wrong ? I understand how deep it hurts, cause we all need love and if he needs you, you feel as if you were unique. But I would like you to feel unique because you are and not because you are wasting your Time and soul. But, tell me if I am mistaking, it seems to me as if you were so hungry that you can’t wait for food and you eat poison. And this is my job to tell you when you are in danger. And this is your job to make your choice, for it is your life and no one else’s. But whatever you make, and whoever you love, never, ever ever forget you are the one who decide when enough is enough, that it is your life, and who deserves your tears or not. »
I hardly never allow myself to talk for such a long time, except when my patient needs somebody to feel upset about his / her condition and help his ego to protect himself. And she needed to be helped in distinguishing that it was not about love, but about his own low self esteem.
I told her something like, « it’s just about being dependant, about him avoiding loneliness, looking for one self in one another s eyes, it’s about pride, everything but love ». « But I can’t leave him ». « So you are not free, you are addicted, this in not love. Or you are afraid of him which is even worst. » « I can’t leave him, or he is going to collapse ». « Nobody is going to collapse ». If she had been a friend I would have asked if At least he paid Well for Such entertainment.
The session went on and on, we talked about her father, about herself, about the projections and repeated negative patterns, about her difficulty to connect unconditional love for herself, as she had not experienced it as a child.
Becoming oneself is not collapsing but individuation. But for many of us, it seems like being never ending fall in Unknown, for freedom is sometimes cold.
I would have liked – but I did not and students will understand why by remembering Winnicott’s lectures- tell her that her story was built upon the lie that they can’t exist without one another. I just said « You have the power to change your relationship, or to give it up. » « He is gonna turn mad » « As a matter of fact, either he is already, or you re not supposed to carry him through life to avoid him reality, and whatever, what about your own life and health ? Are you supposed to save someone who doesn’t want to be so ? »
Love ends with sacrifice. To love is not to die with but to live with. Die for if you want, but do not die with. Sacrifice is the very road to hatred and resentment, never to love. When there is love there is no sacrifice. Giving and choosing is not making you poorer, whoever or whatever you give your energy to : baby, job, lover, strangers, ideas, country. If it does, it’s manipulation and racketeering, again.
And I felt so sad to see her suffering from something which does not exist. She suffered for so called love, not love and for a guy she imagined but did not exist. She suffered because she made amazing efforts to maintain a positive image of him, instead of relaxing and just see him as he was : immature, and a child, not to judge him, but to make decisions fitting with reality. There is so much suffering one cannot avoid, so why do We need to suffer by ignorance or mistaking?
And I remembered what I had told myself a few years ago, while swimming with manta rays in the Indian ocean : « But what are you waiting for ? Are you waiting for having a cancer, are you going to waste your time, your youth, your beauty, your energy and your faith, your drive and your passion, your health, your friends, your money perhaps or your career at least not to disappoint those who could let you die and just say « she was sick » ? »
And as I passed my door in the evening, thinking about the friend I would see soon, unhappy with her boyfriend, thinking about the colleague I had lunch with, unhappy with his wife, I told myself, one more time : Love begins when many things have died and passed away. Love begins when will vanishes.
Love begins when need is over and you can open the window of desire. Love begins when you don’t need his/her loving you to feel OK but you feel even better with him or her is close enough, and loving, too.
Love ends when sacrifice and other lies based on guilty feelings Come on with their unbreathable vapor of blackmail.
« I love him/her » : such an assessment needs, not to be an illusion or lie, that I exist, on my own, with consciousness clear enough to welcome who the other is, in his very difference. And it’s not about knowing him very well, it’s first of all about letting him be who is he is, without projecting our attempts, our needs, our hunger, which is a very difficult exercise for brain hates what is unknown and will put his own mess outside instead of just wait and see. For love is not about knowledge but about instinct, intuition and experience first. For love is like a child, ignoring rules and strategies and laws and habits, coming into your room shouting « hello » and jumping everywhere without asking permission and make you fall from your bed whereas you had decided to read your newspaper quietly.
Love is about peace, noisy and singing peace depending on your personnality and the other’s, but peace and Space deep inside, like a breathe,
Love is about joy, love is about respect and freedom.
Love is about being able to wish the one we love to be happy with someone else when we have understand that it was not true love between us or that the journey simply ends At that point.
For involvment is not an habit succeeding to a deal, but a free repeated choice, day after day.
First of all, love is about sunshine and butterflies running in your belly just by the power of thinking that he or she does exist, just right here brewing his own beer in the kitchen or miles away. Love begins when both are able to walk alone, and feel ok with themselves -more or less and not all the Time for We are not omnipotent.
We should forbid strictly to ourselves to pronounce such a word, to lie to our children or lovers as long as we have not checked it was love : not projection, not narcissism, not sweeties, not drug, not racket, not satisfaction, not fear. Before we are sure to love and respect ourselves enough not to need the other affection to feel ok. Because this leads us to a relation based on power, fear, manipulation and paranoia.
By that time we can meet someone and feel available for what (s)he is. Before that, our partner is just a « partial object », a complement, a sustainment, a crutch, an anxiolytic, an entertainment, a room mate to share taxes and sex when winter is cold, whatever. We should prepare ourselves for love, with respect and consciousness, as we train for maternity or war, instead of repeating like insane « I love you » whereas it’s about possessivity, ego, narcissism, addiction, inability to remain alone.
Love is about wishing somebody – child, lover, friend, sister- being happy far from You, whatever it costs you, instead of trying to keep him close if it is his way to fly away.
Love is a state of mind : i open my eyes and say thank you to be alive. And once I love Life and world then I can love you. Even if your arms seem to me like a Harbor between Two fights, You’re neither a drug, nor an habit. I remain an adult, even if I miss you dreadfully sometimes by the power of desire and law of attraction.
Love is not about possession. When a flower is beautiful why shall I cut her from what makes her alive and beautiful to let her die in a glass ? I d’rather look at her grow. Love is not cannibalism in his adult expression.
Love is not about power, love is about surrender. With dignity and freely, I surrender, for you make me feel like I have never felt, for I feel like being nothing at all when you look at me, and it makes me laugh.
Love is not about narcissism and glorification of my ego through your eyes.
Love is not about forever, love is about here and now.
Love is not about security, love is about freedom.
Love is not about competition, love is about creation.
Love is not in being compared to but in feeling how to love enhances our own level of consciousness, and being loved, our feeling of gratefulness.
Love is not about promise, love is about trust.
Love is not about certitudes, but about questioning and going on.
Love is not about control, but about courage.
Love is not about principles , love is about humility.
Love is not about giving up, but love is about letting go.
Love is not about winning or loosing, but love is about letting ego vanish a little.
Love is not always around, but love is so powerful that it can always be found deep inside oneself. Love is like happiness. You miss it as long as you look for it. When you discover it’s inside you, and you were a foolish to be afraid not to find it, as if it were depending on things around, you smile, even in sadness, even in precarious times, you remain OK. I can swear. Having love inside give You the Power to avoid madness or death in really tough Times. Survivors from hell are evidence of it. Because when You have love inside, You are free. You have discovered fire, but not stolen it, so Gods are not jealous.
Love is a child. Love needs game, hug, experience and patience, many repeated evidence and a few kisses.
Love is just about smiling deep inside with gratefulness that the one You like exists somewhere and wish him the best. There is no suffering in true love for connecting one s energies does not rely on time or space. There is no suffering because there is respect.
There is missing, but no lack. There is impatience, desire, anxiety sometimes, but very deep inside there is the light of unconditional love. Whatever it s gonna be : love is always love. Respect, benevolence, empathy. And it should be taken care much more. As the very sacred way which leads me to discover the best of me, for me and the world around.